Slight Allowance of Silence

i lay at night
this night
exhausted from insomnia
craving a sort of chaos in a still
smoke filled room

were we supposed to make love tonight? or fuck?
or were we destined to walk
and embrace the early morning’s slight moisture
while street lights projected our shadows ahead of us

i'm not sure what to do
but i know this journey toward clarity
only makes my thoughts abstract
as though irony wanted to rain
while a newborn sun prepared to cut
through a reluctant blue sky
-- like suicide

what am i to make of all this
these red eyes lonely, tight and tear stained
my swirly reflection pulsing in a mirror
i will soon never see again

i know once i understand this it makes
me know you less
and it makes me question myself
and reshape an identity i've yet to know