i try

i stand here among the white noise 
studying a slightly shaded tree
as though an epiphany lies within its roots

maybe one does...

light spills through the branches above 
and soaks my face in warm sunstreams
sketching my silhouette along the sidewalk 

this somehow seems important

seizing this opportunity
i try to invent a version of you i can like, but instead i've said i loved you... You lie with others as i lie to myself ... it's all fucking bullshit, isn't it? and i know this now and know what i must do

i thank my surroundings 
because many times ive stared into innocuous objects 
at odd moments
and found light
there's something about their indifference that teaches me how to hate myself when i need it
like a razor blade's stinging truth
and now feels like the right time to notice myself amid your needed absence 
and kill you

seeking transparency 
i stare into the whisping branches and strobing sunlight 
and enjoy this moment of truth
before i walk back inside
to face you

i notice all that i am
in your eyes and succumb to its weakness 
i love you!
i say

instead